i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I met the friendliest cop last night
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
