Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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