I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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