New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
