Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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