True but thats because hes a fetus.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
