Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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