just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
