Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dicks are not precious.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
