i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize