Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
