I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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