i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We're too hungover to prance.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
