i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
