He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
