Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
