I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have aggressive nipples.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
