I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
