I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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