What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
