i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
