i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
