Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
