My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
