the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
