Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm both gender and math confused
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
