seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Dicks are not precious.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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