I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
