I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
