I wish I could punch you in the face.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
