When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
