I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
