you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
