did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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