Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize