A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We need to rekindle our bromance
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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