you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
