I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
