Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
