Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
