My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
