Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
