Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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