70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
