Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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