I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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