I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
