dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
