Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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