You did not just play the dead husband card again.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
