How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
