saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
