I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i drank out of a bidet.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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