My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
