Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
