a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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