if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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