I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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